caleblim's Xanga

i'd try again later...

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:05:59 GMT

I am thinking about what to blog about.
It's been some time since i last blogged as you'd already figured.
There have been quite a few Moments i feel i was too lazy to put down into words..which is a bad thing.
So here and now, at 2.29am, one day after my first academic year in ACJC has officially ended, i shall, erm..say something.

I'm guessing many grammatical errors, and no real train of thought.
Be prepared for random-ness...

And the thinking begins..

I like to think of the year before the year is up.
That kinda gives me the chance to live the scarce remaindays (remainder+days) with better perspective.

Ok moving on..

I used to find it difficult to connect nature's beauty with God.
The physical image of the stars, the galaxies, the Grand Canyon, seemed to distract me more than anything.
I know how some people look at these things and see God in them, i found it really hard. I just got, well,
very visually distracted.

It's getting better now, and it's not because i've conditioned my mind to think like that.
It's getting better because i know it's the truth, and the wonder comes from belief and primarily knowing God a bit more than i used to.

But there is one thing i've always, always, found beauty in - mess.
It's funny how i sometimes get so thrown back by God through the small things and not as much through the bigger things.
Seeing things/people broken and screwed, somehow made beautiful.

To me, there's beauty in the cries of the desperate because it points to the fact that we were all wired up for God..though it somehow sadly,
mostly, shows itself when we have nothing left.

-channel change-

Maybe faith now is the only way we'd recognize His face then.
Sometimes, we put faith into what He can do, rather than who He is.
Maybe that's why we get so disillusioned sometimes...
Don't wish for faith, practice it.

-channel change-

Maybe the world will end a whole lot sooner than we think,
maybe it'll end before we get into the university, or before get back our CPF.

-channel change-

i'd write something better later....
hope rise!

love,
leb

Monday, October 12, 2009

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 17:54:04 GMT

i have lost my phone

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 16:39:10 GMT

so, i did some research and found this graph.

Mobile Phone Subscribers

http://www.singstat.gov.sg/stats/charts/socind.html

Hahah yeah it's pretty funny.
But yes, i shall be joining the rare few upon this sunny island who do not have a mobile phone, for an indefinite period of time.

And i am, to be honest, quite looking forward to the experience.
It's something i am not the least bit used to, but it is, nonetheless, an experience.

So i ask for your patience and kind understanding.
And i ask that you watch your belongings and not leave them on, ahem, buses.

o nokia, nokia, wherefore art thou nokia......

i love you, dear.

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 18:25:33 GMT

Today i looked down from the escalator
and i saw people.
So many people.
i think about how we cannot be walking accidents,
thought about the love God is
and the value within.
The value beyond what i could see.

Then i thought about you,
wondered if you'd think the same way.
Maybe? Maybe not?

So many faces passed
and to be honest i was tempted
to give the portion of me
behind the eyes i'd only give to you.

But hey just so you'd know,
today i held my heart back for you.
It's not that i gave any less of myself to others
because of you,
but i locked away what's rightfully yours.

It's not easy, you know.
If anyone doesn't fail they lie.
I'm no better i'm sure you know.
But for today, for awhile.
I loved you.

I'm sure you'd know
my failure,
but for today at least,
by God i kept your piece.

i love you, dear.

Come home

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 15:19:28 GMT

Hello Hurricane

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 14:36:30 GMT

'If you're not crying, why are you singing it, you know?
If you don't believe it with every ounce of you, then there's no point in singing it.'

Forgiveness stands

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 05:32:20 GMT

Jesus, Saviour, a Light; the way the truth and the life.
At God's own initiative to this dark, fallen and hopeless creation.
To say 'Hey, this isn't the way it's supposed to be.'
God didn't forsake or leave us to death but came to redeem a world that didn't know better;
a world that lives in darkness and, amidst it all, wonders if things were meant to be like that.
You see we don't realize the mess we're in until we see some form of light.
God kinda set the standard and showed it with the law, but He didn't stop there.
He gave Jesus, in love, to fulfill it and offer us, through the sacrifice of Himself, what we could have never attained.

So now we must believe, for that is the only way out of our state.
The presence of darkness now can no longer intimidate, no longer spell hopelessness.
Because of what Jesus did on the cross we now have hope and above all, love.

We must forsake ourselves then.
For how can it be possible for us to take the rescue boat out of the mess and darkness and still desire for it?
No, we must die to it.
We must die to ourselves.
We must now let go and allow God to have His way with His redeemed - us.
For now we belong to Him.
After all, we never knew better
and we'd never know better.

Forgive the lack of structure and coherence... :s
love,
leb

Laughing With

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 10:49:51 GMT

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’re starving or freezing or so very poor

No one laughs at God
When the doctor calls after some routine tests
No one’s laughing at God
When it’s gotten real late
And their kid’s not back from the party yet

No one laughs at God
When their airplane start to uncontrollably shake
No one’s laughing at God
When they see the one they love, hand in hand with someone else
And they hope that they’re mistaken

No one laughs at God
When the cops knock on their door
And they say we got some bad news, sir
No one’s laughing at God
When there’s a famine or fire or flood

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they’re ‘bout to choke
God can be funny,
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious
Ha ha
Ha ha

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’ve lost all they’ve got
And they don’t know what for

No one laughs at God on the day they realize
That the last sight they’ll ever see is a pair of hateful eyes
No one’s laughing at God when they’re saying their goodbyes
But God can be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they’re ‘bout to choke
God can be funny,
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one laughing at God in hospital
No one’s laughing at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God when they’re starving or freezing or so very
poor

No one’s laughing at God
No one’s laughing at God
No one’s laughing at God
We’re all laughing with God

Music

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 18:15:29 GMT

We cannot equate worship to music.
Because then worship only goes as far as a warm feeling, the right notes, the right pitch or the good melody.
Worship then becomes insulting to God, and God sees no worth in it.
Yes God will see nothing in it.

i love the truth about music being like the donkey that Jesus sat on.
How it is only but the carrier of Someone greater.
How it is only used.

Worship, on the other hand, is far more dangerous.
It will find it's way into every, every, single aspect of our existence and our lives.
It will demand the tough choices, the forsaking of habits, the perspective changes, the word choice,
the vulnerability.
It will demand for us to stand, or to sit. To raise our voice or to shut up.
It demands every single thing about us, and it demands the us in everything.

i know some people say that worship is a choice.
while others say it is a response.
How can the two co-exist as a cause?
The truth is, well at least to me, they do.
It's both.

Worship is a choice to believe; to make big of God and realize the gravity of what He has done,
in the light of who He is.
Worship is then a choice to respond.

So some people say that it's just the music at 'christian concerts' that induces hype into people, with all the
excitement and the emotion and the tears and the jumping and everything else.
But what is any song in itself?
It is but a donkey...a response...a choice...exactly like how we worship in other ways.

It is only because God has so beautifully created in us something that responds to music...that it has such
an impact on us. (of which we should recognize is the work of God in the very first place..so that's blameless
and should be embraced with all thanksgiving and wonder..right?)
It is what i would like to call, the gift of music. Embrace it, use it skillfully, and/or let God minister to you
or to others through that.

But still, on our part, it is a donkey. It is a response, it is a choice.
So the next time we go to 'christian concerts' (funny term that), or listen to 'christian music' (yeah..funny
as well), let's think about about whether we are unknowingly placing music as our object of worship,
of which we will not be changed by.
Are we using music to worship God or using God to worship the music..or ourselves.
So yes, like how we stand for the classmate getting bullied as a form of worship to God, or how
we fight against injustice or poverty to honor and please God, use music.
It's all about the point of our focus.

Yes the music will invoke some kind of internal response, but we should not be the point.
God should be the focus; the One we use music to worship, like how we use our choice to love others or to
do justice.
Only in that will we find the need to change; the need to give everything up and to surrender.
The need to be made more like Him and the desire to respond.

On another note, i was just thinking about the amount of things that can take God's place in our lives.
I mean, if you think about it, practically every single thing has the possibility of doing just that.
Which is why God's quite (ok quite's the world's best understatement) amazing.
He is the One thing, against all other things in existence, that will somehow get to us and consume us
without leaving us empty.
The One thing that will not leave us asking 'Surely there must be something in life that's more than this?'.
It has to be God-intended for that God-shaped hole (which is to me the shape of our entire heart) to reside
in our hearts and to call out.

But yeah, as much as that's the case, our part is choice.
We need to make sure that we don't attempt to put other things into that God-space.
(actually it's pretty cool that when we take God into our lives we're actually giving ourselves to God)
We need to choose that we don't end up at a place where we ask 'How did i end up like this?' - a place
we can find ourselves in when we allow anything but God to consume us.

Even the God-things can take the place of God Himself.
Ministry, good deeds, love (or the ungrounded, floating acts of it rather), friendship, sacrifice.
Choosing the right things at the wrong time can be as dangerous too.
Like a girlfriend, or a wife.

So...yeah...that was the other thought.

in this period of mugging...
heh

GODmeGOD time

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 17:16:34 GMT

Today i felt terrible.
i felt God-forsaken, i felt i had forsaken God.
Maybe it was because i didn't start the day with God,
Or because of the 2 girls with an unnatural relationship behind the studying me.
i felt so distracted in everything i did
So purposeless and unfulfilled
It felt like i was talking to please
It felt like i was walking out what i did not believe in
It was like i was constantly pushing away my life support and attempting to live on my own.
It was internal turmoil,
i knew it was going to be alright but it felt terrible.
But that was how i felt.

So at the end of the day,
me sitting along the railings of Seah Imm's bus interchange, waiting for my bus.
i decided that enough was enough.

Started thanking God for the day.
For His faithfulness, for nonetheless carrying me through the day.
For protecting me, for His goodness, for being my hope and my salvation.
Slowly but surely, came some good ol truth.

Sometimes all it takes is to be like Mary,
to spend time with God.
We could be doing a hundred and one different things,
good things even.
But deep down inside we know we're running on some major grace.

i was finding all the excuses,
doing everything i knew was good.
Doing what was right, carrying out all my responsibilities as a student.
Doing all that, full well.
Doing, but not being.

i now know that i had missed my personal time with God.
Tried to salvage it with bursts of little prayers throughout the entire day,
with some singing, with some music.

I know that God didn't and doesn't love me any less,
but it's just that feeling of a lack of life for the day.
Like the same feeling of not having enough sleep the night before,
it just bugs.
It's like missing out on what the King, the Creator of the universe has to say for the day.
i mean, His words should matter most...right?
It feels like i'm working through the things i do to attain Him, rather than letting Him work in me and through the things that i do.
Worse still, it felt like i was trying to put God into my plans, instead of availing myself to His.
(although i'm the fool, because He remains in control)

i hate it when i choose to occupy myself with all things but God Himself... (hahah sounds like i've some split persona..heh)
But it's true, it feels like i'm constantly trying to attain the same peace, perspective, strength, whatever -
the things that i can only get through the bringing of myself to His feet, in surrender and willingness
to spend time.
The choice to just sit, listen, spend time, learn, gaze, worship, adore, magnify, bask.

i've come to realise that it's a daily thing.
i can't live on yesterday's food, or yesterday's strength.
It is always a new day, with new things.
New boundaries to be broken, new opportunities, new dangers, new challenges.
All these that require new mercies, fresh strength, wisdom and instruction already graciously offered
to be tapped into.
It's like preparing ourselves for war.
Every day presents a different battle in the same war.
Preparation cannot be forsaken.

How do we go into battle without armor?
How can we battle without first remembering what we fight for?
How do we fight our battle without first having breakfast with our victorious King.

It's hard to love without first remembering how i'm loved.
i'm not gonna feel fulfilled at the end of any day if i'm not reminded of the bigger picture.
i won't be reminded of a bigger picture unless the One who sees it reminds me there's one.
And i wouldn't hear Him until i listen,
And i wouldn't listen until i really do.

For more than myself, i need my time with You.

love,
leb